I was thinking...

I saw a video link to an American stand-up comedian's bit entitled "Religion is legalized madness." I didn't watch the video, but I imagine it's a video of the comedian explaining why religion is legalized madness. I can't be too sure, though. People must agree with that sentiment, because, without seeing the comments, I noted that the video had more views than there are sets of eyes in my entire state, including potatoes and needles. My conclusion there is that people watched the video because they were intrigued by the idea--maybe even to argue against it. My point is that, no matter what the video itself is about, I have a response to the very notion of religion being legalized madness: it's not illegal to be mad. That includes any definition of the word 'mad'. You can be crazy or angry and not break the law. Many of the things one might act out because of their crazy or anger could easily be considered illegal, but let's break dow

Actions gather over time like sediment. At the end of your life, all of your actions will catch up to you as though you were a freight train that came to an immediate and abrupt stop. Good actions are like air molecules. Such as when you have cause to throw a fist, but choose to softly breath a word, instead. Even if you threw your fist, or moer, yet you've made amends and healed the damage, your actions will do little to no damage to you as they catch up to you, as though you had broken that dustructive rock into dust. Bad actions are like solid molecules. Rock, glass, even molten lava, will all catch up to you, in the end. This includes the damage you've caused that has been left un-repaired, or actions where the damage is impossible to repair. The sinister shadow of sediment will catch up to you in exact measure of the wrong you've done. And, if it comes all at once, even a mist can feel like a salty wave from the ocean during a hurricane. Being good is doi

A big fat tank of sleeping pet peeves sits in your chest. These are not the common pet peeves that have you always on guard, like mouth noises or using object pronouns in place of subject pronouns (and vice versa.) These are pet peeves you forget about, but when they are triggered, will suddenly flare up with a vengeance. Here's a short list of mine. See if you can relate: When someone walks backwards and acts like it looks cool. When I'm driving and someone comes up really fast in my lane, gets up right behind me, then finally merges, even though they could have merged miles before they got behind me. When I'm accidentally walking to the beat of a dumb song in the store and have to change my pace to break up the syncopation. Again, when I'm driving and someone is coming toward me in the opposite direction and we don't come next to each other until we're both at the most narrow part of the road at the exact same time. When I can't sl

This is a recipe I for real came up with, all on my own. Enjoy. Shopping List: Molasses -- 8 oz. Red Pepper Jelly -- 6 oz. Onion -- 1/2, chopped Shallots -- 1 bulb, minced Chicken Strips -- 2 lbs., completely thawed Salt -- 1/3 cup Cumin -- 1/4 cup Black Pepper -- 3 tablespoons Cilantro -- 1/4 cup, chopped Red Bell Pepper -- 1, large, cut into strips Optional:  Cayenne Pepper -- small pinch Lemon/Lime/Orange Zest -- to garnish Milk-Fat Yogurt -- 1 dollup per serving In a large skillet with a metal handle , heat up molasses with red pepper jelly over medium heat; as the sauce is heating up, chop up the half onion, mince the shallots; put chopped onion while the sauce is bubbling, stir; put in shallots, stir While the sauce is cooking, line the top oven rack with tin foil and turn broiler on high; in a large bowl, put in the salt, cumin, black pepper, and finely chopped cilantro leaves, mix together; put chicken strips in the bowl, then co

I work as an on-call freelance educator. Some people, including everybody, better know me as a "substitute" teacher. As an OCFE, I've dealt with many people and students, and have heard many conversations. I heard a short dialogue between two students, recently, which I had to nip in the bud after only hearing three words, which I won't repeat. I only need to say this: apparently they don't have an adequate amount of respect for human reproduction. I shudder to think what words were spoken amongst their peers while they were out of the direct presence of responsible adults. I think this attitude comes from ignorance. Specifically, ignorance borne of negligence on the part of people who have the appropriate authority to teach others about the facts of life, but fail to do so for one reason or another. If you have another -nce word to add, feel free to do so here: _____________nce.  My view on human sexuality is simple, but it's concise, and I'

Obviously, technology is not inherently dangerous. Consider the screwdriver. It's one of the simplest breakthroughs of technology. It's the pinnacle of implementing the spiral ramp, and will never not be used in one way or another. However, screwdrivers can be dangerous. Not only dangerous, but even deadly. Even if you use the screwdriver for its intended purpose but forcibly turn it in the wrong direction it will cause irreparable damage. Self-driving cars are coming soon, and that scares people. Artificially intelligent robots are becoming more intelligent and less artificial, and that scares people. Reality is being harvested exponentially more than ever before and gathered in the virtual bucket, and that scares people. I say to you, "There's nothing to be afraid of if you, yourself, can use the coming technology with competence and compassion." That's how you say things to people in a literary way, and that's what I did. Remember th

It's weird that people talk. We contort our mouths and make noises at each other, assuming they mean something to the other person we're noising at. Even if we don't speak the same language as the other person, both of us still talk, just maybe not to each other. The most primal space in our cognition says, "These noises are silly." And, suddenly, language is stripped of its implied meaning and goes back to being noise from a contorted mouth, doing an interpretive dance on a sincerely helpless face. If you take a mental step behind even the implied meaning of the sounds you can gut everything someone says to you, leaving the words empty and benign. You'll look back on conversations and see how ridiculous it was to get upset during an argument, or sad during a story, or heartbroken during a breakup. Just because you're self-aware, though, doesn't excuse you from having feelings. It just means your thoughts can go from, "That was reall

I used to think checks were just as unsafe to carry around as cards or cash, but then I realized that they're so inconvenient to the user, they must be exponentially more inconvenient to someone who's in a hurry. You can bet any criminal is used to giving up trying out of frustration, boredom, or straining to remember how to write a check. To their credit, though, bathroom walls prove they at least travel with writing implements. I'm certain women (let's face it, it's always women) who use checks are never nervous to use them. I'm certain, no matter how shady the character is standing behind them in the checkout line, they feel comfortable they won't be followed to their car. I'll bet that, even when an elderly lady is walking down an empty alleyway, she's confident she can whip out her check book and scare away any reprobate like a crucifix would a vampire, or a timeshare pamphlet would everybody.  Checks take too long to circulate, too. S

I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at spotting the murderer in murder mysteries. I can tell who did it by just saying someone did it--the more people I accuse, the greater the chance of being right. That's just statistics. Or, especially if, like, the beginning of the show starts off showing the murder, and then they show who got murdered, and then they show the murderer. Then I know exactly who it is. I don't even have to know any names. I could easily be a detective. As soon as I see something stolen or someone murdered, I know exactly what happened: something happened, and someone probably did it. Or, and this happens, nothing happened or nobody did it. I get compared to Agatha Christie all the time. Not because of our detective skills, but because neither of us has very good teeth.

The doors in your life make sure something is protected from someone. The door to the generator keeps people from being baked alive. The door to the bathroom keeps people from seeing the inside of a bathroom. The door to a 700-pound gorilla's cage protects the gorilla from free range 9 year-olds. If your life seems like it's fraught with doors slamming in your face before you even get to smell the breath of opportunity, consider that something might be protecting you from the opportunity, itself. Or, maybe even protecting the opportunity from you for the sake of someone else, or for your own safety--no one can save you if you walk through a door you didn't know led to a prison cell until after it latched shut, especially if no one can find the key. Just consider if the opportunity is good, or if it just looks good through the window--like a cupcake that looks delicious through the glass case but turns out to be a wax display if you actually get to taste it. Le

You want to remember where you've seen someone before you address them, because if you happen to be given the chance to speak with them, the recollection might taint the ensuing conversation. For instance, I saw a woman I was certain I recognized. Before I had the chance to bring this up, however, I remembered where I had seen her face, but more importantly, I had heard the voice that came with it. It was during a football game. It would have been one thing to say, "You look like a cheerleader!" but she didn't. I knew there was no reason to move in on an introduction, because how does one proceed when all one can think of is Chris Collinsworth? It would interrupt every train of thought. "So, what's it like working with Al Michaels?" "Why do you always sound like you're stifling a burp?" "You know, I still remember when you were with Bradshaw, Brown, Long, and Johnson. Whatever happened to you guys, anyway? I'll bet it was whe

Life has logistics. Logistics, for those who don't know, is what we call the practice of putting different things where they should physically go that makes the most sense. For those who do know, keep it to yourself. Something about life's logistics, though, is that common sense is not universal. What makes the most sense for one aspect will not make sense for another. For example: if you're with a group of people, and someone turns the faucet on, it only takes one person to turn it off. Whether it's the person who turned the faucet on or not. Common sense would suggest, "Hey, if only one thing is a problem, then it only takes one person to fix that problem." However, it's a different story with body odor. If one person hasn't showered in two weeks, that's a problem that everyone has to deal with, but it's just one problem. The common sense up there suddenly no longer applies. It helps no one for the person to say, "Hey, I forgot

We stood in the nook of the bookstore, looking over a cookbook. We were looking for the best cookie recipe. It took a long time to find it, but we finally found a good cookbook to make cookies. We hung the book on the nearest hook in the crook of the cabinet where we keep our cookbooks. I got the flour and she got the sugar. I got the milk, she got the eggs. We were ready to bake cookies. I looked in the flour bag, though, and I mistook dark spots to be something like soot, but saw that they were nasty weevils. I jumped and accidentally dropped some onto my bare foot. I shook my foot then used the book to gather the fallen flour while she wiped down the wood countertop. I opened the door and pushed the no good weevils with a broom outside to die. We could finally get back to the cookies. We got the cookbook to the cookie recipe, got all of the ingredients we could, and scooped the batter with the wooden spoon onto the cookie sheet. We didn't care how big they would be

A tinkling bell dangled from the open door at the front of the small shop. A young man stood in the gap letting fresh sky gently spritz into the stale front office, almost washing the teak wood with skimmed clouds. Mr. Craig Rap--the owner of the company, the proprietor of the location, and the very man who created the business--ambled from the back room. His sizable back and gut wafted hints of old plastic and soapy furniture toward the young man. "Hello?" he asked, before he came into full view. The young man said nothing, but finally brought the other half of his body into the room and let the door shut. He opted to wait for Mr. Rap to get closer to avoid stretching his voice awake. Mr. Rap pushed his gut on the counter and leaned onto his hands while he lazily gripped the nearer edge. Because of the expectant, almost critical, look on Rap's face, the young man instinctively took inventory of Rap's appearance: dark hair slicked back and behind his ear

Sometimes--and this is true--I like to click the very bottom righthand corner of a button on a website, just because I like to feel the rush of uncertainty. It literally feels like it's not going to work.  You should definitely try it. Any time something akin to a 'Submit' or a 'Log In' button pops up, put in your credentials, then take a moment to gather yourself before you go into default mode and click the epicenter of that button. Concentrate hard. Make sure you get it to the very bottom-est and righthand-est pixel of that 2500 sq. pixel rectangle. In this moment, you will feel weak. Like it's not even going to work because you don't have enough strength within that one pixel, like trying to wave a pane of glass holding the corner with one finger. But, steel yourself. You have strength. All it takes is that one pixel. So, close your eyes for a moment, say goodbye to your past self, and click. There will be nothing you do in this moment that w

Pregnancy terrifies me. Let me illustrate for you why. WARNING: This analogy might be upsetting to some, or have an undesired effect on the reader. If you are easily shaken or easily offended, now is the time to stop reading. You've been warned. Imagine you have to walk across a nine lane highway that doesn't see a lot of traffic.  You have to take about thirty days to cross each lane because it's impossible to go any faster or slower. Your body gets bigger, warmer, and hungrier with every few steps, but you can't stop walking.  Again, there's little to no traffic on this specific highway--however, if there happens to be any oncoming traffic, it's impossible to get out of the way. Even if you can see it coming from miles away. Any vehicle that comes at you varies in speed, size, and weight, so, if there is an impact, the damage taken also varies.  Damage taken can include, but isn't limited to: minor bruises, minor impact but lasting

You've read Poor Richard's Almanac. Now it's time for some brain nuggets (21, to be exact) from his estranged cousin, Broke Dick. Some wins ain't worth winnin'. "Less than 15 items" is "fewer than 16 items." There ain't trouble like a leather-bound day planner. A salad's just not a good salad until gravity's played with it for a time. The purpose of college is to unlearn what you been taught. The orange hand across the street don't need a high five. No one isn't irritated by what ain't spoken. Service rewarded is employment. The only difference between bein' famous and fallin' from a building is one of 'em lets you reach the ground. The porch light shows criminals where the knob is. If life's kicked you out of your groove, it might be 'cause the song's over. Make sure the cuttin' edge ain't from a dull knife. Grandpa's candy is gross so he can have some. Speed bumps ai

Remember that movie where these two guys take a trip to Mordor? I think it's a frat-comedy. Speaking of semantics, I get many people riled up when I need clarification on things they think are obvious. Like, "Do you want to go outside?" versus, "Do you want to be outside?" The answer is no, either way, but the situation is completely different. It's like when someone asks what the tallest mountain is, in the world. The answer is not Mount Everest. That is the highest  mountain, not the tallest. It's like the diffe rence between if Kevin Hart was standing up and Shaquille O'Neal was on his back. If a person were to say that Kevin Hart was obviously taller than Shaq, I think they would just pop like a stupid balloon. Semantics is why I've always said right now, "English isn't just nuanced. It IS nuance."

I'm married (that's a given--I mean, who wouldn't want this) so I don't think about dating as much, anymore. I mean...at all. I don't think about dating at all. However, when it comes to single people, I do recall many persisting issues, my recollection being mostly due to television series where everyone is single--never married, divorced, widowed, or asexual--and has one teenage child. My perspective is, admittedly, skewed from a sexual preference/gender identity standpoint because I'm what they call 'traditional' in every sexual sense and, therefore, have no idea what it's like to be single and sexually alternative in any way. That being said...  It's in situations of betrayal or heartbreak where many of the singles, especially women, tend to eventually say, "All you men are the same." I've never heard a man say all women are the same, but, as a straight man, I've never had a problem with the similarities shared by wome

Why is it "good money"? Is bad money worth any less? "You know, even though they took out the wrong organ, it's a relief to know it was our bad money that covered the medical expenses," or, "We send bad money to charities and keep the good money for the yacht club." For most people who use the term "good money", it's as if they believe earning money is what makes it worth the dollar amount. Money is money. Let's meet Subject #1: This individual works a grueling 80 hours a week, working any shift through the day or even through the night, and they only get $3000 a month. Now Subject #2: This individual steals $3000 a month. Subjects #1 and #2 go to the same concert, spend the same on tickets, buy the same t-shirt, eat at the same restaurant after, order the same meal, then leave the same tip. If Subject #1 had the good money, then Subject #2 wouldn't have had anything to pay for any of that. Come to think of it

The idea behind Tongue Fu is to train the speaker's tongue to be agile and strong, like a Wushu master would be. To master it, you have to say the phrase or sentence aloud 10 straight times without making a mistake. Some are easy, some are hard. If you want an added challenge, focus on clearly enunciating every sound in every word. Good luck! Here is a short er list of Tongue Fu foes. Why, I'll lie while I lie white tile Our long lawn gong got long gone Too true to chew through the shoe, too Ten men sent ten set net-tent tenants You'd duel a livid individual? May your mayor mail her rare rural mare and mule mural Bring blinky bead binky bling Should she touch shut chutney? Ask next task as ex axe mask We'd weed weeds

I’m stuck in the rotating doors, Because I changed my mind, I was passing through until I saw the creepy poster, And I don’t want to see the clowns anymore, I guess I live in the doors, now. I’m stuck in the turnstile, Because I changed my mind, My mom pushed me through the rotating doors, And told me, “I already paid for the tickets,” But I told her I can see the clowns from here, so I’m good.

The lips behind the sky, sweetly pursed and wrinkled from lifting to high corners, introduced light and life, and as they wandered in the Empty the lips blew briskly a gentle, melted kiss goodbye. The twins inseparable slid down waves of time touching fingertips and looking to everything everywhere. The lips behind the sky blossomed with pleasure so they iterated the concept with Its voice intoned and rhythmic. Life and light gathered as glass in love. After centuries together, the shell broke off a seed they planted and suddenly became you.

The idea behind Tongue Fu is to train the speaker's tongue to be agile and strong, like a Wushu master would be. To master it, you have to say the phrase or sentence aloud 10 straight times without making a mistake. Some are easy, some are hard. If you want an added challenge, focus on clearly enunciating every sound in every word. Good luck! Here is a short list of Tongue Fu foes. A cat caught a canary. The clearly crazy quack was quite adequate Uninhibited, debilitating, and deliberately belittling Quietly quit crisply crying, quickly That thousandth thatcher threw the filthy thief through the fifth thrush's feet Pass passed past spats stats Chai tea Tai chi Thai tea An Autumn motto on the bottom ottoman Nab a hamburger and a banana now, Nana "YOLO!" yelled your yellow yo-yo. Collective communicative connectivity Sky high, I yoga again. Your limber limbo boy Talk tack jack chalk You see, she seeks sequestered secret sea-green seq