Satire
Quotes from posts...
Foresight, Mr. Vedder. Foresight.
Think First, Sing Later
The dreaded, “May I get you something?” sends shivers down the decomposed skeletons of anyone killed by poisoned wine. The phrase has been the cause of multiple catastrophes in recorded history; it’s been the cause of terrible marriages, culture wars, and, in some cases, cancer.
I Don't Need Anything From Anybody
Toby Keith put it best when he exclaimed, “We’ll put a boot in your a**, ‘cause it’s the American way!” setting an excellent example for our up and coming children of freedom. Truly, what other options are there to attacks or threats than a kick in the tuchas with a boot so hard that the boot gets lodged in our enemies’ orifices?
It's a Culture Thing
Heaven knows how these public relations peeps listen to us consumers, though. Thank goodness for them, because how would we know what we wanted until they told us that we told them we wanted it? We can’t be expected to consciously desire anything.
Your Osmosis, As Requested
Men, as a collective whole, are telling the world that, in order for society to finally advance, most men will need to die, preferably at the hands of other men.
Men, amiright?
I can’t imagine the wealth someone could garner through funneling paper products in the black market. There’s quite a demand for hot toilet paper, I guess.
Pending an Investigation
And, last, if you have a name that caters to the phonetic short 'i' or 'ee' sounds, make sure you can count the amount of y's on one hand. Meaning, make sure you use all five fingers. For example: Lylyyy'y.
What's In Naming a Name
I could be a substitute lawyer. I can twist words and search legal terms on my phone, like a champ.
I'm a Substitute Teacher
There are drivers that will pass you on the road at remarkable speeds. Their cause is just, however, because they need to reach all of the stopping points in their path as soon as possible. I sit in awe, and sink slightly deeper into my driver’s seat as they pass. How deeply I admire their dedication to the craft of promptness. Congratulations for beating me in the game of who gets to stop first, I think with tearful applause.
In a Hurry to Wait
Foresight, Mr. Vedder. Foresight.
Think First, Sing Later
The dreaded, “May I get you something?” sends shivers down the decomposed skeletons of anyone killed by poisoned wine. The phrase has been the cause of multiple catastrophes in recorded history; it’s been the cause of terrible marriages, culture wars, and, in some cases, cancer.
I Don't Need Anything From Anybody
Toby Keith put it best when he exclaimed, “We’ll put a boot in your a**, ‘cause it’s the American way!” setting an excellent example for our up and coming children of freedom. Truly, what other options are there to attacks or threats than a kick in the tuchas with a boot so hard that the boot gets lodged in our enemies’ orifices?
It's a Culture Thing
Heaven knows how these public relations peeps listen to us consumers, though. Thank goodness for them, because how would we know what we wanted until they told us that we told them we wanted it? We can’t be expected to consciously desire anything.
Your Osmosis, As Requested
Men, as a collective whole, are telling the world that, in order for society to finally advance, most men will need to die, preferably at the hands of other men.
Men, amiright?
I can’t imagine the wealth someone could garner through funneling paper products in the black market. There’s quite a demand for hot toilet paper, I guess.
Pending an Investigation
And, last, if you have a name that caters to the phonetic short 'i' or 'ee' sounds, make sure you can count the amount of y's on one hand. Meaning, make sure you use all five fingers. For example: Lylyyy'y.
What's In Naming a Name
I could be a substitute lawyer. I can twist words and search legal terms on my phone, like a champ.
I'm a Substitute Teacher
There are drivers that will pass you on the road at remarkable speeds. Their cause is just, however, because they need to reach all of the stopping points in their path as soon as possible. I sit in awe, and sink slightly deeper into my driver’s seat as they pass. How deeply I admire their dedication to the craft of promptness. Congratulations for beating me in the game of who gets to stop first, I think with tearful applause.
In a Hurry to Wait
“Toast, Carl! It’s a cardinal sin to mention toast to a baker! It’s like saying, ‘I don’t trust that you’re competent enough to give out baked bread, so I’m going to speed-bake it, in case you suck at everything.’”
“I don’t think--”
“Stop.” Edna’s eyes suddenly fixed onto the slate of the fireplace, “She’ll know. She’ll be told by my actions against her. That’s how I’ll do it. That’s the key," Edna straightened her posture, holding her neck high, with shadows sitting on her eyelids like jittering demons. "She won’t know that she’s a horrible person until I make her know she’s a horrible person.” Her face began to crackle, and her teeth cut each breath cleanly into the air.
20. ¶Now it came to pass that the Master didst ask, Hark! Art thou a good boy?
21. And, behold, I did not answer; for I didst reproach mine enemy in the day. And I did confess my transgression with mine ears; I didst pull them behind mine face and I didst make myself low to the ground. Behold, yet did my tail continue to wag.
This...evil force is, of course, the Earth’s plant-life. The Flora of that infamous death-metal duo, Flora and Fauna (I know, you’re thinking they can’t be a "death"-metal duo, but if you understand how Flora has enslaved us and how Fauna consumes the flesh of Fauna, it becomes clear. Their debut album is titled "The Food Chain".)
That’s well more than the amount of money it costs to feed a small group of orphaned children for a year--just ask Oliver of Oliver Twist (a live-action novel based on Disney’s animated classic, “Oliver and Company.”) And, with the added donations of her counterparts, we could be feeding orphaned children gourmet meals, every day, on the moon.
I guess it boils down to catharsis, or "emotional cleansing" for those of you that didn't take literature and/or theater electives in school. Things happen in our lives that are real, yet not as real as we want them to be, so we need to bridge that gap using miles of celluloid, or "film" for those of you that didn't take film and/or theater-tech electives in school.
They’d go about their lives as quietly as they always had. Maybe they’d show their ability once in a while, if the situation called for it, but that would be the extent of their exhibition. I know this because I have superhuman abilities, and you don’t see me going around saving people or killing people. Just kidding (I already do both of those things, every day.)
Our ‘washroom’, as we’ll call it, is a one person only, unisexual facility and has a lock on the inside. Upon entering the facility, I discovered it was already in use by Mrs. Barbeer and apparently she had not utilized the indoor lock. I was taken aback, and blushing, I said, “I’m not disappointed,” as I knew that, though she is a grown woman, even grown people forget to lock doors sometimes.
Abusive husband/wife, father/mother, legal guardian(s)? As long as they’re making a living, their behavior is unfortunate but acceptable. Starving families and individuals, even due to disabilities? It’s their fault, and we shouldn’t have to pay to help them. You’re a no questions asked contract killer? Don’t feel bad, ‘cause that’s not killing, it’s paying the bills.
People who are “getting away” to “unwind” and “relax” in “the great outdoors” literally rely on portable shelter-units to provide them with protection from “nature.” How insane is “this”!
Cats, however, are like the others whom you would laugh and play with just as readily as push them off a cliff (assuming they didn’t die, for insurance reasons.)
So, when you say something as atrocious to the grammar nazi as, "Go to the store, real quick, and get full ice-blocks because they'll be funner to drop on cars from the bridge than ice-cubes," they'll tell you it's illegal to drop anything onto cars. After that, they'll probably mention you meant to say "quickly" and "more fun" instead of "real quick" and "funner." To that, you should say, "I know," and smile.
My solution with these people is simply to kick them in the knees until they buckle over, whimpering in pain all the way down.
I didn't say it was a good solution, I just said it was simple. And, believe me, at the right angle of impact, it would work 100% of the time.
I didn't say it was a good solution, I just said it was simple. And, believe me, at the right angle of impact, it would work 100% of the time.
There's a slew of spam spreading misinformation, using colorful language to draw the eye from boring details like legitimate references.
Nature is upset at you for using her elements to make up your body. She expects you to cultivate her, or she will hasten your return to her soil, for the purpose of helping her live longer.
It's bright on the mountain because of the sun reflecting off the snow, and you need to shield your eyes from flecks of snow shooting up from the ground, so you need to wear shaded goggles that constrict your skull, pushing your parietal bones onto your brain like a trash compactor, and all but sucking your eyes out of their sockets because of the quantum vacuum created by the padding of the goggles' frame.
If someone looks like they're functioning on a normal adult-level, then they obviously must be able to function like other adults. It's like everyone wants people with diagnoseable mood disorders to feel ashamed that they need any help in their lives. Otherwise, if they're not ashamed, they should at least have the decency to openly weep on the ground in front of their dirty dishes.
If you're driving in mud, for fun, it's called "muddin'". If you're out catching fish, it's called "fishin'". If you're driving a four-wheel all terrain vehicle (ATV) it's called "four-wheelin'". If you're fighting someone for sport using your fists, it's called "fistin'".
Sight-reading is often related to musical notes, often on paper.
Amidst all of the unsettling things of the world today, I feel its necessary to take it upon myself to add to the controversy. A sort of gilding the uneasy lily.
So here are a few very controversial statements which don't necessarily reflect my actual opinion, but exist simply for the purpose of this post. Let's see if you can handle the searing conflict from what's being said: ...
So here are a few very controversial statements which don't necessarily reflect my actual opinion, but exist simply for the purpose of this post. Let's see if you can handle the searing conflict from what's being said: ...
Legend has it adults were once quite resilient. But, that was millenia ago, recorded on stone tablets in cuneiform ("OG WILL GET OVER IT.")
*Disclaimer*: If your answers are unsatisfactory, you will forfeit your citizenship to the country in which you currently reside for the sake of its greater population, and you will be declared persona non grata in that country, for life. If your answers are satisfactory, you will remain a citizen, or be granted official and legal citizenship.
They’ve created a crowd-funded support group called: The American Social Society for Lost Extremities, not in the Strictest Sense, but still Challenged and Hopeless because of their Absent Posterior Situation. All proceeds go to the campaign to raise awareness of those whose lives have been affected from LMAO-ing. They have a weekly group gathering welcome to LMAO victims and their loved ones. They also hold seminars to lessen the risk of LMAO-ing in the workplace. Their tagline: “LOL or ROFL, the other one’s awful.”
You might also consider using your ghost as an excuse to get people over for the Halloween party. And, if your ghost flakes out, bring it up the next time you see them. Who knows, maybe they'll be too embarrassed to haunt you from that point on.
It's like telling someone you're going to force them to eat poison sometime in the future, for no reason, so you're giving them small but dangerous doses every day until then; you're going to suffer now because I'm going to make you suffer more, when you're older.
To achieve the desired Ohm of the Nihilist and disappear as a forgotten, dark speck in the infinite black of space, recite one or more of the following Mantra to yourself daily, ideally in the mirror of a lowlit public restroom: ...
19 Yet did I see The Feeder, being one of many, and they did walk past my place.
20 I did approach the beast, and with my claws and teeth I did embrace one of their rods of flesh; and great was the fall thereof.
21 After I had placated The Feeder with my offering of their blood, I did petition them for food that I might eat of the food of my store of food.
20 I did approach the beast, and with my claws and teeth I did embrace one of their rods of flesh; and great was the fall thereof.
21 After I had placated The Feeder with my offering of their blood, I did petition them for food that I might eat of the food of my store of food.
I've noticed a bulk of the people who say or share the saying often use it as an excuse to do things that are dangerous, anyway, which makes me question their motives for saying it. Are they saying, "Try to die every day by doing deadly things. It's not suicide if you're enjoying it"?
I mean, of course boredom must have led to the culinary arts, which I guess can be pretty useful, if you don't mind staying hungry for hundreds of dollars.
Beyond the riddlers of the world, though, there is real merit in how entertaining riddles are. To end, therefore, I'll leave you with this: what uses language that everyone speaks, but no one understands?
That's right: Kindergartners.
9. Why did most of the dinosaurs go extinct?
Because they all died.
Because they all died.
Ms. Guidance went between students for the remaining twenty-minutes of the exercise, and became more offended and incredulous after every student’s result. Gunner Johnson was placed as a car mechanic; Billy McCray was placed as a farmer; Catherine Waiters was placed as a waitress; Ajit Singh was placed as a telemarketer. And, to make things worse, all of these students were completely okay with their results, which pricked her raw emotions like a hot needle covered in salt.
Yeah, this manly sport is definitely manly. It is 100% manly. Even the super model women gyrating in little more than skin tight underwear go completely ignored by the players and commentators, it's so manly.
Comments
Post a Comment