Humor
Quotes from posts...
- Think First, Sing Later
The local fauna mock us behind their bushes and in their caves. They know we don’t like it. They know we have no other reason to do it, other than to exercise, and that cracks them up. “You mean, you have a shelter built for you just so you can run away from it? *Hearty squirrel-chortle*!!!”
Beings from other planets have tried to make contact with us, but when they found a giant group of humans square-dancing, they called it off. It was the complete lack of irony on the participants’ faces that unsettled the extraterrestrials. They sent back to their home planet the message, "iejfoej-eidjdoke kP jsb dp'jba Ijsb-Joabd," which literally translates to, "Please help. Multiple casualties. We weren't prepared for this."
The wording might be very much on purpose, too: they say "can" as in is it possible. The question itself is a yes or no question, at any rate. A very finite query. Even if you were to respond to the person by saying, “Yes,” that should be enough to answer the question. (“Can I get you anything?” "Yes." "I thought so." *silence*)
First, allow me to just come out and admit that, no, I am not as “American” as I should be. I’m a backstabbing, baby-killing, freedom-hating, liberal socialist. Did I leave anything out? Oh, and I’m not a real man.
It seems like it’s only a matter of time until I get killed by a cyborg, or a stray bullet. Maybe even by poisoned air, or water. Or worse: from a hideous spattering of nanny-nanny boo-boo's.
You might be thinking, what in the living garbage is he talking about? Or, more likely, I can’t believe I’ve actually read this far. I’m going to stop reading. To answer both of your thoughts: I am, of course, talking about locking mechanisms on paper towel and toilet paper dispensers.
Instead of going with something as bland as "Cinnamon", use an alternate spelling of "Cardamom" (ex: "Cinnamon"). This sounds more like it's from another country, or reality.
You, right there, I don't care what your dad told me to say, 'cause it ain't worth $10,000. I tip $10,000 at Chili's when the service is terrible.
I said, “You know what would be a funny safe-word?” Upon hearing this she went somewhat flush and asked timidly what it would be. I said, “Coke!” and she walked at a brisk pace out of the break room, I being none-the-wiser.
... the term “owner” is too accurate for owners of dogs. Dogs submit their will and their lives to these “owners” through sheer, blind loyalty. Cats don’t acknowledge the concept, though. Cats understand the word “owner” about as much as they understand the word “no.”
It's more than likely--I would say guaranteed--that you have used the wrong word in place of common contractions. And if they're less than five minutes apart, you'd better get to a hospital! *rim shot*
..., bursting veins in your neck doesn't fix anything, except that pesky venous wall that forces your blood to stay in your neck.
I suppose things might change if I grabbed my neighbor's jaws and started scratching his neck. Maybe that's just it, maybe he's jealous. We'd probably be way closer if I was more intimate with him, like I am with his dog. So close we'd be connected through a restraining order.
- Pets
Does that mean you can't win an argument against the her because it would hurt her feelings, ...? Does it mean you can't make high decibel noises because they could hurt her ears? Does it mean you can't rip the hammer out of her hand too violently when she tries to murder your skull with it?
The Boy Scouts of America, the good ol' BS of A. I don't think they actually like what they do. I think they just share a deep-seeded, soul consuming love for safety protocols.
You go to all those lengths, and for what? To go downhill. You know what's easier than braving the treachery of sliding down a hill? Don't go uphill.
I'm anxious to have children. Not because I want to pass my "seed", but because I want to give confusing life advice. Like, when one of them is going out for the evening, I'll tell them, "Just remember: dogs sniff each other's butts to say hello."
- Advice
If he looked as miserable as the woman, most people might think, "He looks so hopeless! And I don't blame him. I mean, look at him. He's in a wheelchair." But, if the woman was standing in front of her dirty dishes, beaming with aneurysm-inducing ecstasy, most people would think, "Why is she so pleased with herself?! Do the dishes, you unaffected, completely healthy leg-stander!"
- Pamphlet
..., if you get drunk and clumsily climb on top of public property to jump off it, there's no escaping the consequence of your knee crunching your teeth and jacking up your jaw, your tail bone being snapped like the tiny end of an enormous falling branch, and your floating ribs popping away from your spinal column then jabbing into your liver and your spleen. That sequence of events, to me, is truly beautiful.
- Justice
I'm pretty sure it's simply military influence in the line of fire bleeding into the greater culture (manslation: It's simply some MILF bleeding into the greater cult.) They're very serious about discharging hot rounds out of long, metal shafts.
- Men
Redhead sunburns are like a demon's skin being touched by the finger of heaven. It's like, you're just standing somewhere, being a demon, then an angel comes down to bless you. When it descends upon you and touches you, scalding all of your skin, it sees this and says, "Oh, s***..." then tries to quickly ascend back into heaven. But it can't. It can only be majestic. So, instead, it slowly rises, avoiding eye contact while you stare at it, with your hands lifted, and your face twisted between confusion and disbelief.
- Redheads
You have to seep your disapproval into a pool of tears over years of your wasted life before you can have a published opinion, which should go as follows: "This (art piece) was (inadequate) because of (reasons)." Great critique. Good job, you outsmarted make believe.
- Critics
Bonnie Raitt and Tori Amos have one thing in common: fingers.
Chenoweth, along with others who have lost their A’s to laughter, realizes he took his A for granted before L’ing it O.
A hypotenuse wanted to get a loan, but its adjecent was stuck on a tangent and wouldn't cosine.
Especially avoid the Ouija board, since most ghosts don't know how to spell, and they can't 'delete' what they're trying to tell you in the middle of a message, so they add more letters; example: 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'R' 'N' 'O' 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'R' 'E' 'W' 'A' 'I' 'T' 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'R' (pause) 'Y' 'O' 'U' 'A' 'R' 'E' 'D' 'E' 'D'.
- Like an adult Immigrant trying to learn English, the more Purpose I will seek, the less Purpose I will find.
I guess if necessity is the mother of invention, boredom must be the father.
“Oh, yeah.” Man didn’t actually know what Wuhmun’s idea was. Wuhmun looked at Man like it was onto Man’s scheme, so Man scrambled its brain to save itself. Be vague, was the only thing that came to mind.
2. What is the 'trickle-down' system?
It's when people harvest water for the rich, then the rich drink as much as they want, and whatever spills out of their cups is left to the people who harvest the water, then they all trickle urine onto the poor.
It's when people harvest water for the rich, then the rich drink as much as they want, and whatever spills out of their cups is left to the people who harvest the water, then they all trickle urine onto the poor.
Like the time you clicked on that lingerie ad, thinking it would actually take to you a website that sells lingerie, and opened a Pandora's box of smut. Yeah, that one was on you. That girl should not have had a bathroom mirror and a toilet behind her if she was a lingerie model."
How many updates can there possibly be?
"What, did you think Victoria's Secret started selling bathroom-wear? I don't think there's such a thing as a sexy shower-cap."
How many updates can there possibly be?
"What, did you think Victoria's Secret started selling bathroom-wear? I don't think there's such a thing as a sexy shower-cap."
My favorite thing is the glaringly homoerotic language used by the commentators before, during, and after each game. Phrases where they admire the players as being "long" and "big". Men describing men as "athletic" and "strong" in a tone one might only hear during a third date that's going really, really well.
If you think back from the thick of the plot far beyond its origins and mythos, you start to see it’s cut from the same disturbing cloth as the many perennial creepy-evil-child flicks, like “The Grudge” starring Sarah Michelle Gellar; “The Omen” starring Gregory Peck; “The Littlest Rebel” starring Shirley Temple; etc.
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